Fellas we all have hidden our treasure trove of playboys, hustlers, that warn out VHS(just dated my self OYE!!), pocket knife, that first sweet hearts picture, and anything else mom wasn’t supposed to find in the sock drawer, box under the bed that loose attic step or any where else our teenage pubescent mind thinks is safe. But as the divines would have it, it is always found some of us lucky to have it found by dad(sadly not me I lived with ALL WOMEN!!) but others of us are found out by mom and of course she freaks and we get “THE TALK”. So in the vein of such manly endeavors I have compiled a bit of advice for the modern man and the sexual activities and desires we all strive to fulfill.
Numero uno the simple catch and release, more men have screwed themselves out of return “fishing trips” with the catch and release. So you have spit your prime game and hooked that special someone and then you go to your place and enjoy the fruits of your labor(mom would be so proud… 😛 ) but then when finished you scoot her up and out and now all her girlfriends who frequent the same establishment you both use bait and tackle will know your uncouth treatment of the most precious natural resource known to mankind…the ladies. As a former Catch and Release fishermen in my college days I found out something so candy it should be illegal for us men to have it at our disposal, drum roll please……cooking, and cleaning. I know its fucking crazy right? Wrong most solo night fishing trips end at the first soft a squishy place you land whether its a couch chair or the kitchen counter top and if there is last weeks pizza splatter on it or a month old pile of chinese food nestled under a cushion you won’t be getting to far. “Cooking?” you say well aren’t you hungry after a epic battle against that prize piece…WELL SO IS SHE DAMN IT! and ramen noodles, easy mac and the occasional micky d’s wont cut it so go visit mom and pick up some pointers my personal favs the fat stuff homemade cheesy mac and cheese with bacon, something baked (preferably before hand) or something quick a salad or chicken or something. you may think less of me but the food network is your little lures friend and who knows she may come back for the pie and bring a friend ;).
On that note the elusive threesome, on that I will say this if you get that chance DON’T SAY SHIT!! your mouth will go 13yrs old on your ass and kill your chances faster than you shot into that sock oh way back when. Just roll with the punches and for god sake curb your enthusiasm or you will find your night ending much earlier than it would have other wise so if the possibility is high get off a quick one before you go out and if you need me to explain that shit then you should definitely be reading this blog post.
Now lastly if you are like me and love the bigger ladies for the love of god don’t be like me and try to hide it(when i was younger ladies i was foolish I’ll admit it), this love of the big beautiful women is nothing to hide in fact be open about it. Those big and beautiful women will make sure your drinks come free(and never stop), that after the fishing is done you will eat well and get a 2nd or 3rd fishing trip that night if you last long enough. also if you find that the strain is to much and fall asleep after trip 1 don’t worry they will make sure you finish the task at hand come the morn and out of all the ladies in this world they WILL tell their friends and aren’t to shy about bringing one over next time you go out(see above for references as to what the hell I am talking about if you are now lost)
Now I know I said above was the last but this has been bugging me for some time and didn’t make it into the first “Things Men Should Know” post. *exhale…deep inhale* ALL YOU FUCKING CLINGY ASS, WHINY BITCHY EXCUSES FOR MEN NEED TO CUT OFF YOUR OWN TESTIES AND CHOKE YOURSELF, THAT IS IF YOU CAN FIND THEM! I am so tired of guys complaining about what their ol’ladies wont do or don’t do anymore when the hell was the last time you gave out a little head to your lady if you want her to return the fucking favor. washed dishes lately? the laundry? any sort of household chore other than sitting on your ass watching the playoffs? It don’t have to be often and it don’t have to be everything at once something here or there will make her loosen up faster than tequila makes her cloths fall off. Being a man entails somethings they don’t cover in sex ed or “THE TALK” and Big Bear is here to dish out the lessons for this class. a relationship is tit for tat, give to get, love to be loved. Not following her around with a hard on like a bitch in heat. Teenagers do that in high school not 20 something’s who claim to be men for the love of fucking god sake.
Alright Big Bear is out hope you learned something and ladies, you weren’t supposed to read this far and since you are here act surprised when he does those things you like no matter what they may be and let him have a taste of the good stuff for his troubles huh? what do you say?